How to pack for LAN; a professional guide

First of all:





On a more serious note, I am here as your professional advisor to help you pack for LAN. As a professional LAN veteran and golden pocal winner myself, I'm sure you'll agree you need advice from a professional source such as myself. I will therefore run through the key items to pack first, before turning to less important items, such as clothes.


Ideally carried tucked under the arm, no professional is ready for battle without his/her/them keyboard. Carrying the keyboard under the arm is the sign that you are a) ready to play and b) ready to use it as a weapon, both physically and e-digitally. Imagine image: 382b27adfe7ff0cf6bc0baab2c25e3b5, but with a nerdy fucking keyboard, not some glitter shit.


You may have been expecting a nerdy fucking mouse to be #2 on the list, but no; more important is a printed version of your professional esports config. It had better be fucking printed for 2 reasons:
  1. a) You need to type it up into notepad when you get to Europe Krefeld, and how the fuck are you going to do that if you don't have it printed?
  2. b) So professional eSports players can sign it. This will serve as a great memento to show your family and vriends.

If you don't have a printer, stop living in a third world country and buy one.


When you walk in, there is the risk that you'll feel like a nobody amongst all the eSports United Kingdom superstars. You nullify this risk by wearing all the digital pocal medals you have earnt over your professional eSports career. This way, when some nerdy team like Germany Yermanz sees you, they know you're something serious and Turkey fIreball will stay away. It'll also look super serious for when you are casting to the Europe World on Europe Krefeld's professional Twitch stream, so people will know that you mean business. This should be number 1 on the list really, but I've written it now, and if you have read this far, you need to take a look at yourself anyway, so who cares. You will look like a true professional when wearing your Europe medals.

Those are the only items you will definitely need.

Other items to consider packing:

  • A sawn off part of your desk (got you covered Hungary Nonix m8)
  • Six pairs of reasonably clean underwear (the spares are incase you shit yourself)
  • Several shit players so you look better in your team
  • One pair of lovely underwear (incase you manage to persuade a man/woman that you're not a massive nerd)
  • A printed map of radar so you can talk tacticals between matches
  • Seven socks (1 spare for masturbating)
  • A printed map of supply so you can talk tacticals between matches
  • One pair of regular jeans
  • A printed map of sw_goldrush_te so you can talk tacticals between matches
  • n + 1 shirts (the +1 is for using as a towel when you forget yours - TOP TIP)
  • A towel
  • A printed map of braundorf so you can talk tacticals between matches
  • Any cock paraphernalia you own
  • A printed map of et_ufo_final so you can talk tacticals between matches
  • Two mice (one digital, one real)
  • A cage (for both mice)
  • A printed map of sos_secret_weapon so you can talk tacticals between matches
  • Your mousemat (wash it first, mine turned up beautiful)
  • A printed map of adlernest so you can talk... actually its a fucking waste of time on adlernest
  • Professional eSports wear (for gayming)
  • A printed map of delivery so you can talk tacticals between matches
  • Your passport (incase you get arrested)
  • Anything to increase your sex appeal, because my God you'll fucking need it

Think I pretty much got it professionally covered. Anything I missed, add in the comments below.

Warmest regards,
Europe Joe aka England niSmO
Chief of communications at Professional eSports Cklub since 2008
Got a challenge for you men:
There is one item/tip in this professional advice journal that I have written from the heart, and that I genuinely believe is a good thing to do/pack. Can you find it?
I will buy a drink at LAN to whoever finds it first. GLHF
The extra sock? I know masturbating is something close to your heart.
That cleaned mousepad?
DINGDINGDING, I owe you a drink sexy Nico!
5/5 out of 5 m8 very professional tutorial
And for the love of god, please bring deodorant and/or perfume. I mean, most of you guys arrive thursday and probably wont take a shower till you get home again. I will bring image: 61TtfMB6QUL._SY355_ this filled with Paco Rabanne to make being in a room with all you nerds bearable.
Several shit players so you look better in your team

This must be it, deep from your heart.

Cu professional gamer
Hate to break it to you but what if you lose the papers?! Better bring your printer too just in case! Or better yet, tattoo your config to yourself (Prison Break style), that way you'll never lose track of it! 11/10, would recommend.
#1 Should be deodorant for tbh.
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